I know this is long, but some might find it amusing. If you are conservative and reading this...please don't kill me.
Princess and the Pea
Prince: Woe is me. I have no wife.
Queen: Woe is me. My son has no heir, because I can’t find anyone skilled enough to support him during his reign.
King: I am for the vast majority of the time outside of my son’s life because it beneath my dignity to participate in such domestic matters, and I am rarely mentioned in the story beyond the acknowledgment my existence and my amazement at the beauty of the prospective brides.
Prince: Mummsie, why don’t you like any of my girlfriends?
Queen: Son, don’t whine. They weren’t good enough for you, darling dear. I want you to have more than brains, common sense, a good personality, and excellent diplomacy skills, like all those other girls had. Those things are not needed in a queen, and especially not in a wife.
Prince: Well, then what do I need, Mummsie?
Queen: Why, son, I’m surprised at you! I’d have thought that you would know by now what is needed in the leader of a country! Not only should you be beautiful, you need to be able to lie exceptionally well. As you seem to have your father’s lack of this talent, I must find you a wife who can do better.
Prince: But, mummsie, my wife isn’t going to be the one running the kingdom. I am, for I will be king one day.
Queen: Yes, of course dear. Of course you’ll be running the kingdom. But, it is a large country. You will need help. After all, what if you make a mistake? Who will be able to go and tell the subjects that it was in fact the right thing to do? You will need a strong …actress backing you up. After all, you want the people to love you, don’t you?
Prince: Well, yes. I have always wanted the people to love me. And they do. Don’t they, mummsie?
Queen: Son, have you listened to the news about the war your father has been leading against the Other People?
Prince: Oh, yes! Father tells me about it all the time, and how the Other People are not like us, and so we should fight them. Of course, I’m not sure I always understand what he is saying.
Queen: The important thing is that our people, though they don’t like the Other People at all, like the fighting even less. They don’t much like your father either. At the moment they like you, but that could change at any time.
Prince: No!
Queen: Yes! And you don’t want that to happen. You want me to find you someone who will work to keep the people liking you, no matter what. After all, you plan to keep fighting the Other People, don’t you son?
Prince: I suppose I will. They’ve rather embarrassed Father, haven’t they?
Queen: Hush, sweetums, we don’t talk about that.
(Knocking at the door)
Queen: I hope that is another Princess, one who might be suitable.
(Enter Princess, who might be suitable)
Princess: Greetings, Your Royal Majesty. Forgive my intrusion, but I was caught in the horrible rain, and sought out this castle as a refuge against the torrential downpour that near drowned me.
Prince: Really? You don’t look wet at all.
Princess: I have a most wondrous raincoat.
Prince: And its been bright sun all day.
Princess: I was caught last night, and this is the first shelter I came to.
Prince: But…there’s a town all around the castle, and three more a few miles away on all directions.
Princess: (Condescending) But that would hardly do for a princess, now would it?
Queen: I like you, my dear.
Princess: I thought you might.
Prince: I’m confused.
King: My, she’s lovely. I like her too.
(King’s part is now, complete, he leaves the stage)
Queen: Dear, I may like you, but before you can wed my son you will have to pass a test.
Princess: All right. What’s it to be?
Prince: Wait, what?
Queen: I do require proof of your blue blood. Therefore, you will spend the night above twenty mattresses. In the morning, we shall see if you are an appropriate bride.
Prince: How does that prove anything? And since when do people have blue blood?
Princess: I accept the test. I shall see you in the morning.
(Everyone exits. Then, the next day, everyone enters, except the King because his part is done.)
Queen: So dear, how did you sleep?
Princess: Wonderfully, like a log, like a bag.
Prince: Well, that’s nice to hear.
Queen: No it isn’t. You were supposed to sleep horribly. I put a pea under all those mattresses. If you were truly royal, you would have such delicate skin that you would have not slept a wink and been completely bruised.
Prince: Shoot. I was starting to like her too.
Princess: Wait a minute! Just because you don’t find any bruises on my back right now doesn’t mean that I don’t have any, or that I can’t have bruises. My back is very capable of creating bruises. In fact, I bet that if you gave me another night alone sleeping on that same bed with that same pea I would be able to stay awake the whole time and come out with bruises on my back.
Queen: My dear, welcome to the family.
Prince: I don’t understand, but that’s ok.
| 
